Pest Control

So there I was, minding my own business. I certainly was not minding the business on my wife’s honey-DO list, which, I’m sure, is why she was looking for me. 

“KEN!!!” I heard faintly, as if it were coming over a staticky AM radio station that was not well tuned in at all. Who listens to AM radio stations anymore I mused. This is 20 and 26 for fuck’s sake!

Wait, did I just digress? That sounded like a digress. I’m pretty sure I digressed.

But I digress.

“Ding-dong!” the doorbell ding-donged at me, snapping me out of my digression.

I raced the puppies down the stairs to the front door and opened it to find a sales lady standing there holding a clip board in a very honey-doey manner.

“We were just visiting your neighborhood, and some of your neighbors have hired us to address their nasty pest situation,” she started.

“Nasty pest situation…” I repeated. This sounded serious. 

“Are you the decision maker for this abode?” she asked, checking her clipboard. 

I quickly closed the door behind me and replied “Yes, of course.” in a low voice.

The sales lady continued with a whole lot of words. I could tell she was saying words because I could see her mouth moving. 

“Nasty pest situation…” I repeated again, my mind drifted off…farther. 

She paused for a moment. I could tell she had paused because I could see her mouth had stopped moving.

“Yes, very nasty. Ants, bugs, and SPIDERS! Your neighbors have spiders EVERYWHERE!” she flailed her arms around for emphasis. The wind caught one of the papers from her clipboard and it drifted off.

“Don’t spiders perform pretty good pest control themselves?” I asked in my most educated sounding voice. 

Just then a particularly energetic spider felt the need to interject himself into the conversation.

“Yes! We’ll handle those pesky pests!” he said enthusiastically.

“Hush, you.” I quietly hushed the spider. This was none of his business.

The sales lady raised an eyebrow and retorted “Yes, but they are ugly.”

Well, she obviously had me there.

She saw that she had me there and  continued, “and the rats! They are the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodents you could ever meet. They have a vicious streak a mile wide, and possess huge, sharp teeth!” She demonstrated how huge and sharp their teeth are by making fangs with her fingers and holding them to her mouth.

The pest situation suddenly sounded very very serious, so I considered my options for a moment. Run away? Taunt them and then taunt them a second time?

The efficacy of my ingenious methods left me a bit uneasy. Maybe I should hear her out. 

“How much will your nasty pest controlling services run me?” 

“Quite reasonable,” she assured me, while holding her finger fangs menacingly, “a very affordable $469.96.”

I tried to run the numbers in my head and opened my negotiating volley, “Can you give me that in terms of tequila?”

“What?” she asked, blinking in astonishment at my negotiation skills. Her fang hand had dropped to her side and she stared blankly at me.

I continued, “Let’s see, divide by the top shelf, carry the one… that would be about  62 ⅔ tequilas.

She stared, blinking some more.

“Or 7 ¾ per week.”

“Go with the tequila, that is a very wise and economical decision.” chimed in a nearby rat.

The sales lady turned and started walking away.

The rat continued “ 7 ¾ sounds like a lot…”

“Did you carry the one?” I asked him.

“I’m not ugly.” interjected a spider.

Author: Ken Gack

Ken is very very skeptical of strangers at the door holding clip boards. They are not to be trusted. 

According to Jose.